Big waves

The past few days have been super emotionally painful. I feel like I went another layer deeper with my trauma, pain, and suppressed emotions. I did have a little forewarning in dreamland, that I was about to embark on an intense emotional experience. I had a dream that took place near water. This particular body of water in my dream was an ocean. There was this gymnasium type facility in my dream where I was hanging out with friends at. I was leaving the gymnasium when I noticed a larger than life wave coming towards it. Of course, naturally, I ran back inside of this facility and told everyone about it. I was so panicked, I thought it was going to wipe us all out and we’d all die because of the sheer size/volume of the wave. To my surprise, after the wave crashed over the gym like facility, it was still intact. The gym didn’t get washed away or crushed by the impact of the wave, it just stood like it had before the wave had come.

Waves are my dream symbol that mean that I will be processing a lot emotionally. I can anticipate another layer of the onion that is my trauma and pain being peeled, and I can expect huge shifts to happen. The last time I had a dream with a huge wave in it like this, was right before I had set off to the Completion Process training (a technique created by Teal Swan that essentially requires presence with your pain and for you to go back in time when the trauma originally occurred and meet the needs of your inner child) that Teal Swan had held at Lake Heron, MI back in Sept 2016. In the dream I had before training, I was living in a mansion on the gorge, and I remember looking out the window and seeing a huge wave crashing into the side of the mansion. The Completion Process training really opened me up emotionally and allowed me to feel safe with “going there” with my painful emotions.

On Jan. 2nd 2018 it all came up to the surface. Feelings of powerlessness, hopelessness, despair, endless grief, and unsafety came in big waves. See, here’s the thing, over the past few months, since the end of summer, I have been in straight hustle and survivor mode. I have been over working myself in part time jobs that did not feel good and were way too overstimulating for the HSP/Empath that I am yet I couldn’t seem to line up with something that felt good for me and was easy and fun. My self help business was not enough for me to thrive on that income alone, so working a part time job made sense to me. From September 2017 through December 2017, I had pushed myself farther than I should have and was in survivor mode. I finally got to the point to where I was fantasizing about going back to a corporate job, working a 9-5, and having a steady flow of income. I decided to start looking online to see if I could find something that felt good, was easy, and would provide me with a steady income because at this point, going back to full time work felt better than what I was doing to myself, which was working intensely stressful and overstimulating part time jobs and not getting paid enough so I was constantly going past due with my bills and promising my roommate to pay her my part of the rent as soon as I could, which caused me to feel even more pressure and stress. I wasn’t making enough money to do general maintenance on my car or replace the leggings that ripped in the thigh area. So, I ended up finding a job that was offering 40 hours, a very livable salary, and that was in the banking industry, which is where I have five years of experience in. The position was for a video teller, which meant I’d connect with people via video chat to assist them with their accounts like deposits or withdraws. There was no sales which made me feel excited about the job, because I always hated putting pressure on people because corporate was putting pressure on me to upsell. I was also happy about the fact that I would only have to connect with people via video chat, which felt good to me. I applied and was asked to come in for an interview on 1/2/2018 at 1pm. The week following up to the interview I felt a kind of relief I hadn’t felt in a long time. I felt hope and I felt safety because I knew I’d get the job easily. I saw myself starting to plan out trips I wanted to take, bills I was going to pay, things I wanted to buy, because I knew that with the kind of money I was going to make, I could do whatever I wanted. I wasn’t worried about spending money, or the fact that my car payment was two months past due because I decided the job was mine and knew I’d be getting paid this month if I started on January 8th, like I had been told was the start date in an earlier e-mail from them.

So, on January 2nd at 1:30pm, I was just pulling up to the building where the interview was going to take place at when I got a phone call from a number that I recognized as the HR lady’s number whom I had been speaking with leading up to the interview. I sensed something was off the moment I saw the phone number on the  caller ID.

She said to me, “We were just curious why you decided not to show up to the interview?”

“What? I’m early, I just pulled up… I’m confused. Isn’t the interview at 2:00pm?” I asked.

The moment I asked that question I realized that I had gotten the interview time confused with the start time for my original shift at my part time job for that day. I was supposed to work at 2:00pm but I traded shifts with a coworker so I could go to the interview. I was so focused on 2:00pm for some reason that I truly had thought the interview was at 2:00pm. When I asked her if I could still interview since I was there, she told me she would call me back in a minute so she could check with the supervisors who were conducting the interview. She called me back a minute later, and told me that the supervisors weren’t interested in rescheduling with me. In that moment, a huge wave of unsafety, powerlessness, despair, hopelessness, and grief came up from the ocean that is our emotions and consumed me. That job opportunity was my only hope of relief at that time, and to have it not be an option crushed me. I didn’t have a back up plan because I was so confident that I was going to get that job.

I stayed present with the tsunami of emotions that came up, and felt it. I cried for 45 minutes in my car in the parking lot. It was the kind of crying where you couldn’t breathe, like someone was syphoning the oxygen from my lungs every time I tried to inhale. My world started to close in and I started feeling so alone in my suffering.  I ended up needing to go pee and it felt safer for me to drive and go pee in my own bathroom because I was in a full blown trigger and I couldn’t stop crying. I spent the next two days riding the waves  of emotions that up. I was sent into an intense two day depression and I was in the lowest vibrations facing some of my most painful emotional flashbacks. Being in that space for two days was painful. I had no hope, I couldn’t feel any excitement for the future, I felt like the universe was cruel, and quiet frankly, I was exhausted.

The real beautiful part of it all for me is being able to ask for and receive support by some of the most beautiful souls. This is a new concept for me. I remember back in 2011 when I was in detox for heroin addiction, I was having a one on one with a counselor. She asked me who I have for support, and I looked at her so confused and bewildered. I remember thinking to myself, “people have support? That’s a thing?” It was so far from what I ever knew and at that point in time, I didn’t truly have anyone other than my family and I knew they couldn’t offer me any kind of support because they were too busy pretending I didn’t have a drug addiction even though they were the ones who dropped me off at the detox center.

Luckily, that has changed and I was able to reach out to a few friends via video chat or phone, and I posted in a group a video of myself in my pain. I needed to be seen, felt, heard, validated, and I needed to know I wasn’t alone in it and that people knew I was suffering. In this day and age, people only see one side of you on social media, your best side. I needed people to know that I wasn’t ok and that I’m not ok, and that need was met and received with love and understanding.

One of the things I have learned from the past year and a half of giving my emotions presence and feeling them when they come up is that that is all that is needed for you to be able to move through them. I never get stuck in an emotion because I’m willing to be with it fully and I truly understand why that emotion has come up, given the circumstance. I feel like if we do the opposite, which is suppress our emotions and invalidate ourselves, we will continue to feel this way but it turns subconscious. So then, you’re feeling like shit but you don’t know why you feel like shit, and you can’t understand why you can’t ever feel good or better.

I honestly don’t know what my next step is going to be. I don’t have a plan and I don’t have anything figured out at all. I’m taking it minute by minute at this point. I do know that this experience was a sign from the universe that going back to a 9-5 job is not in my plans.