Kitty Pool

2017 was a very painful year for me. Two friendships ended that year. One person ended a friendship with me without giving me any deep reason and the other, I ended. Both happened within a month of each other. The friendship that ended first was the one that was ended without any deep reason and unexpectedly. I was on Facebook doing a search using the Facebook search bar, and this friend’s profile popped up, showing that I needed to add her. My heart had instantly sank. I felt desperation rise up to try to repair the relationship and I saw myself grabbing my phone and quickly typing a text out to her. I was going to tell her how much our friendship meant to me, how I felt seeing that she had unfriended me, and was going to ask if we could talk in person.  I was starting to plan out all the “right” things I was going to say, because I wasn’t ready for more rejection or loss. I really valued this person, and to see that they withdrew and ended our friendship out of the blue brought up so much within me. I paused for a moment and instead of sending the original text, I cleared it out, and asked her why she unfriended me. Her response was very short and had an energy that told me she didn’t want to discuss anything and was closed off. I could feel that she didn’t want to repair the rupture in our friendship. This threw me into a state of panic.

I realized in that moment that this was a very important moment for my expansion. This was my opportunity to break my pattern of desperately trying to get people to commit to me, who just didn’t want to. Instead of sending a response back, trying to manipulate/convince her into  being in a friendship with me, I decided to sit with the pain that came up. For the very first time, I sat with the desperate part of me that really wanted love and connection and was willing to do anything for it. I sat with myself and grieved. I grieved because there’s a part of me that thinks this is love. There’s a part of me that thinks she can buy someone back by abandoning herself and being whatever they need her to be. There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to lose anymore connection. I sat with it all. It wasn’t a short one day process either, it was weeks of taking time with my inner children and really hearing them out. It was weeks of heavy and painful emotions.

A couple of weeks later, another friend came back from months of traveling.  We had some unresolved issues from the previous year, but since this person was traveling for an extended amount of time, I decided to wait until he got back from his travels before I reached out to him to try to resolve anything. When he finally came back a year later, I reached out and told him I was still really hurt that I never got resolution from a misunderstanding. I suggested we do a technique created by Teal Swan called the Octopus technique. This person responded very coldly. He said, “That was in the past. You need to get over it.” It honestly was the last thing I expected to hear/read. I felt so crushed. And I allowed myself to feel that way. My old pattern would have been to feel a lot of shame and spiral into self hate because of the response I received.. and I still would have been friends with the person, and spending more time understanding their perceptive and invalidating mine but this time whole interaction made me so angry.

I really was able to see the toxic patterns in my relationships over that month. I saw in that moment how easy I give up my own needs to keep others in a relationship with me. HOW FUCKING PAINFUL IS THAT? It’s a painful belief that I have, that I need to give up my own needs in order to keep/have others and that I need to accommodate them. I’m sending myself the message that I don’t matter. That I’m not important. What matters is the other person. It’s a painful message to send to yourself when you are also in a relationship with yourself. I noticed the belief that I need to do whatever it takes to keep someone in my kitty pool. That I need to be different than who I am, that I need to be “better” or more of whatever they want me to be. I saw how easily I lose myself in order to have/maintain a relationship with someone. I saw that I abandon my own needs, wants, desires, and boundaries to keep others. That is not a good foundation to build a stable, secure relationship on. I saw how easily I abandon my emotions in relationships and make them not OK because the other person is not ok with them (thanks mom).

I had a really intense awakening in the moments that I saw the patterns play out with both of these people. It is very interesting when you can actually witness these aspects and patterns at play from a conscious perspective. I saw the splits within myself. I chose not to ignore any of it. As this was happening, I realized that I don’t want to have to change for other people, I don’t want to make myself more of one thing and less of another. I was really seeing my unique expression and how much I constrict that energy to make other people happy. I really was seeing just how much of my focus is always on HOW OTHER PEOPLE FEEL, SEE, AND THINK about me. What about what I think about me? I was seeing just how unsafe I feel in relationships and how much I have been programmed to believe that I don’t matter.

This is all due to a lack of boundaries, a sense of self, enmeshment trauma, and really low self esteem. This is due to a lack of being supported to be an individual growing up. I was raised to accommodate other peoples needs, wants, desires, emotions, etc. so therefore I couldn’t have my own needs, wants, desires, emotions, thoughts. It’s a really sad and toxic pattern that has been passed down generation after generation in my family. I made the choice to break free of this toxic pattern the moment I became conscious of it.

I decided in that moment that I am done chasing people. I’m done with one way streets. I’m so done with getting crumbs when I give my all. I’m done being in friendships where I don’t feel safe. I’m so done trying to convince people to love me and be friends with me. I don’t want to have to constantly try to figure out what others need and want of me. I’m done abandoning myself for the sake of relationships and connection.

I’m putting my energy into relationships where I can be my own unique self. I need relationships where we can find resolution if there is any discord. I need relationships where I can feel safe and secure. I need relationships where I can express my needs and they be received with love and a softness, even if the person can’t meet them. I want relationships with people who want me. I want relationships where people caretake my needs, my emotions, and our relationship. I want intimacy. I want real, deep connection. I want conscious relationships. I want relationships with people who want me, period.

It’s been a really painful process and also a really beautiful process. It’s been painful really sinking into the emotions that I have suppressed, rejected, and have been unconscious of. It’s been painful looking at the patterns and negative beliefs I have relative to relationships and love. It has been really beautiful to finally make myself matter and be the most important relationship that I have. The relationship that I have with myself is feeling better than ever. I see that reflected in my outer world and in my inner world. I really got present to the fact that I don’t have to give up anything or be any different in exchange for someone’s commitment to our relationship. If that is an expectation from someone else for us to have a relationship, I’m choosing to put my energy and love elsewhere. It really feels like freedom to me.

 

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Big waves

The past few days have been super emotionally painful. I feel like I went another layer deeper with my trauma, pain, and suppressed emotions. I did have a little forewarning in dreamland, that I was about to embark on an intense emotional experience. I had a dream that took place near water. This particular body of water in my dream was an ocean. There was this gymnasium type facility in my dream where I was hanging out with friends at. I was leaving the gymnasium when I noticed a larger than life wave coming towards it. Of course, naturally, I ran back inside of this facility and told everyone about it. I was so panicked, I thought it was going to wipe us all out and we’d all die because of the sheer size/volume of the wave. To my surprise, after the wave crashed over the gym like facility, it was still intact. The gym didn’t get washed away or crushed by the impact of the wave, it just stood like it had before the wave had come.

Waves are my dream symbol that mean that I will be processing a lot emotionally. I can anticipate another layer of the onion that is my trauma and pain being peeled, and I can expect huge shifts to happen. The last time I had a dream with a huge wave in it like this, was right before I had set off to the Completion Process training (a technique created by Teal Swan that essentially requires presence with your pain and for you to go back in time when the trauma originally occurred and meet the needs of your inner child) that Teal Swan had held at Lake Heron, MI back in Sept 2016. In the dream I had before training, I was living in a mansion on the gorge, and I remember looking out the window and seeing a huge wave crashing into the side of the mansion. The Completion Process training really opened me up emotionally and allowed me to feel safe with “going there” with my painful emotions.

On Jan. 2nd 2018 it all came up to the surface. Feelings of powerlessness, hopelessness, despair, endless grief, and unsafety came in big waves. See, here’s the thing, over the past few months, since the end of summer, I have been in straight hustle and survivor mode. I have been over working myself in part time jobs that did not feel good and were way too overstimulating for the HSP/Empath that I am yet I couldn’t seem to line up with something that felt good for me and was easy and fun. My self help business was not enough for me to thrive on that income alone, so working a part time job made sense to me. From September 2017 through December 2017, I had pushed myself farther than I should have and was in survivor mode. I finally got to the point to where I was fantasizing about going back to a corporate job, working a 9-5, and having a steady flow of income. I decided to start looking online to see if I could find something that felt good, was easy, and would provide me with a steady income because at this point, going back to full time work felt better than what I was doing to myself, which was working intensely stressful and overstimulating part time jobs and not getting paid enough so I was constantly going past due with my bills and promising my roommate to pay her my part of the rent as soon as I could, which caused me to feel even more pressure and stress. I wasn’t making enough money to do general maintenance on my car or replace the leggings that ripped in the thigh area. So, I ended up finding a job that was offering 40 hours, a very livable salary, and that was in the banking industry, which is where I have five years of experience in. The position was for a video teller, which meant I’d connect with people via video chat to assist them with their accounts like deposits or withdraws. There was no sales which made me feel excited about the job, because I always hated putting pressure on people because corporate was putting pressure on me to upsell. I was also happy about the fact that I would only have to connect with people via video chat, which felt good to me. I applied and was asked to come in for an interview on 1/2/2018 at 1pm. The week following up to the interview I felt a kind of relief I hadn’t felt in a long time. I felt hope and I felt safety because I knew I’d get the job easily. I saw myself starting to plan out trips I wanted to take, bills I was going to pay, things I wanted to buy, because I knew that with the kind of money I was going to make, I could do whatever I wanted. I wasn’t worried about spending money, or the fact that my car payment was two months past due because I decided the job was mine and knew I’d be getting paid this month if I started on January 8th, like I had been told was the start date in an earlier e-mail from them.

So, on January 2nd at 1:30pm, I was just pulling up to the building where the interview was going to take place at when I got a phone call from a number that I recognized as the HR lady’s number whom I had been speaking with leading up to the interview. I sensed something was off the moment I saw the phone number on the  caller ID.

She said to me, “We were just curious why you decided not to show up to the interview?”

“What? I’m early, I just pulled up… I’m confused. Isn’t the interview at 2:00pm?” I asked.

The moment I asked that question I realized that I had gotten the interview time confused with the start time for my original shift at my part time job for that day. I was supposed to work at 2:00pm but I traded shifts with a coworker so I could go to the interview. I was so focused on 2:00pm for some reason that I truly had thought the interview was at 2:00pm. When I asked her if I could still interview since I was there, she told me she would call me back in a minute so she could check with the supervisors who were conducting the interview. She called me back a minute later, and told me that the supervisors weren’t interested in rescheduling with me. In that moment, a huge wave of unsafety, powerlessness, despair, hopelessness, and grief came up from the ocean that is our emotions and consumed me. That job opportunity was my only hope of relief at that time, and to have it not be an option crushed me. I didn’t have a back up plan because I was so confident that I was going to get that job.

I stayed present with the tsunami of emotions that came up, and felt it. I cried for 45 minutes in my car in the parking lot. It was the kind of crying where you couldn’t breathe, like someone was syphoning the oxygen from my lungs every time I tried to inhale. My world started to close in and I started feeling so alone in my suffering.  I ended up needing to go pee and it felt safer for me to drive and go pee in my own bathroom because I was in a full blown trigger and I couldn’t stop crying. I spent the next two days riding the waves  of emotions that up. I was sent into an intense two day depression and I was in the lowest vibrations facing some of my most painful emotional flashbacks. Being in that space for two days was painful. I had no hope, I couldn’t feel any excitement for the future, I felt like the universe was cruel, and quiet frankly, I was exhausted.

The real beautiful part of it all for me is being able to ask for and receive support by some of the most beautiful souls. This is a new concept for me. I remember back in 2011 when I was in detox for heroin addiction, I was having a one on one with a counselor. She asked me who I have for support, and I looked at her so confused and bewildered. I remember thinking to myself, “people have support? That’s a thing?” It was so far from what I ever knew and at that point in time, I didn’t truly have anyone other than my family and I knew they couldn’t offer me any kind of support because they were too busy pretending I didn’t have a drug addiction even though they were the ones who dropped me off at the detox center.

Luckily, that has changed and I was able to reach out to a few friends via video chat or phone, and I posted in a group a video of myself in my pain. I needed to be seen, felt, heard, validated, and I needed to know I wasn’t alone in it and that people knew I was suffering. In this day and age, people only see one side of you on social media, your best side. I needed people to know that I wasn’t ok and that I’m not ok, and that need was met and received with love and understanding.

One of the things I have learned from the past year and a half of giving my emotions presence and feeling them when they come up is that that is all that is needed for you to be able to move through them. I never get stuck in an emotion because I’m willing to be with it fully and I truly understand why that emotion has come up, given the circumstance. I feel like if we do the opposite, which is suppress our emotions and invalidate ourselves, we will continue to feel this way but it turns subconscious. So then, you’re feeling like shit but you don’t know why you feel like shit, and you can’t understand why you can’t ever feel good or better.

I honestly don’t know what my next step is going to be. I don’t have a plan and I don’t have anything figured out at all. I’m taking it minute by minute at this point. I do know that this experience was a sign from the universe that going back to a 9-5 job is not in my plans.